Flavors of Kinky “Punishment”

I think there are many possible dynamics of punishment and here’s my take on a few them.  People new to BDSM often don’t realize these flavors exist, and that they’re really different things.

Funishment – “You’ve been a bad boy or girl and deserve a spanking!”

Punishment – “You’ve violated one or more of our agreements. You are not allowed in my presence until I have decided how to handle the situation. Once I’ve decided, we will discuss how to handle the future (and your potential place in it, if the problem or breach of trust is severe enough).”

Sadist game-playing – “Hold this remote switch in your mouth while I tickle/beat/cut/choke you. When it falls out, it’s going to do this other mean thing to you. I hope we can make this all last long enough to be entertaining for everyone…”

Discipline – “The point of this rule/exercise/agreement is to see how well/how long you can do something in order to please me. We are partners in this. You will try your best, and I will appreciate your efforts and notice your lapses. When you lose your focus, or make a mistake, we have agreed I will administer x/y/z to you as a way to help you perform better next time. Sometimes you will do better than you’ve done before, and I may reward you, but you should never expect to be rewarded for performing as expected or even better than expected. Always keep in mind that I often expect perfection.”

I don’t think this list is all-inclusive, but it’s a good introduction to how to communicate and negotiate with play partners about what’s really needed and desired.

Regarding Labels and Definitions

Sometimes I don’t like to bother with any of the consequences of short-hand names for certain ways I chose to live my life. I call myself poly, a kinkster, and an athiest, in most cases. Sometimes I don’t, and I don’t think it’s a result of insecurity, identity-crisis, or a desire to not be boxed in. At least not as some others have indicated people use “boxed in” as an excuse.

There are three reasons I ever feel any discomfort about applying one label or another to myself.

First, I have no control over what other people using the same label do.

Second, once there are two people with the same label, there follows this concept of community, how we share this label together, how we should automatically have some sort of connection, common purpose, and reason to protect the “turf” of this label community.

Third, I may not be interested in communicating about issues surrounding the label if there are more important things to discuss and the label might derail those points, or poison the well for them. If the shortcut of language that is the label would not be understood correctly by the audience, then the label hurts understanding more than it helps it and you might as well abandon it. (Or decide get on your soapbox and try to educate.) If everyone around you thinks “atheist” means “devil-worshiper”, or “poly” means “LDS cultist” you can decide to use the label and possibly derail your point, or you can avoid the label and try to focus on the real topic.

Whilst we are all entitled to self-identify as we see fit, we are not entitled to pass judgment on other people’s entitlement to do the same.

And I agree with this to a point, certainly everyone has the right to call themselves whatever they want outside of legal issues like calling yourself a doctor, lawyer, accountant, Realtor(tm), or another licensed professional title without a license. But there comes a time when someone is ignorant or deliberately lying about this or that label they have given themselves, and then it becomes necessary to judge. Possibly, you should judge yourself first and ask whether the label truly applies to you. If it does, and the person’s behavior is diametrically opposed to your behavior, how can you not judge? To not make a judgment at that point would be to render that label useless in your identification. If person A claims to be vegan, but eats jello, and person B claims to be vegan and does not eat anything containing gelatin as it is derived from animals, then it seems obvious they have a mutually incompatible understanding of the label they’ve individually chosen for themselves.

Maybe neither of them is right or wrong in the grand scheme of a living language, but for at least one of them, the label has become useless as a shortcut for explaining some of the ways they live their life.

For these reasons I don’t judge those who are uncomfortable using labels for themselves. I grok where they may be coming from.

Fetlife Event to Google Calendar

If you use Greasemonkey (and I recommend you do, along with NoScript and AdBlock Plus), you might like a little userscript I just wrote to export Fetlife events to Google Calendar.  You have to be logged in to Google Calendar for this to work (obviously?).

An Open Letter to the Fun, Hot People I’d Like to Play With

Dear fun & hot person I’d like to play with,

I hope we get to play soon and I hope you feel the same way I do!

But, we need to discuss some safety issues first. You’re someone I like, and I want to keep you safe and healthy. I expect you feel the same way about me. I like my other partners, too, and I want to keep them safe. I hope you feel the same way for your other partners.

I trust you. I want to have fun, sexy, hopefully mutually rewarding play time with you–that means, I trust you, or I wouldn’t feel that way. But, this isn’t only about whether or not I trust you and you trust me. This is also about the safety and health of our other partners and our responsibility to them.

My partners and I have agreed to some basic guidelines about ensuring each others’ safety. I encourage you to discuss plans like this with your other partners, if you haven’t. If you already have guidelines for sex safety, that’s awesome! Let’s figure out how our two plans can work together.

I encourage everyone to be tested regularly for STDs. If you haven’t been tested, yet, that’s ok. There are still some things we can do to have a good time if you haven’t. But, until you are tested and we exchange and talk about results, there are some things I won’t do with you.

What will I do without test results? Kissing, necking, kinky non-sexual play, petting in “neutral” areas (non-gential, non-mucus membrane-y regions), and genital contact only with latex gloves or protected toys.

What won’t I do without knowing test results? Specifically, no penetration, no oral, no fluids. If you need help understanding why these activities are off limits, there is a wealth of information at http://www.cdc.gov/STD/ and http://www.herpes.com/hsv1-2.html , but the short version is because I’ve decided to take issues of sexual health and safety seriously. If everyone else takes it seriously, too, this isn’t a big deal.

Sincerely,
drtalon

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P.S. Comments, reactions, and suggestions for improvement welcome.

In or Out: Being Polyamorous in a Monogamous World

Most of these ideas also apply to being kinky in a vanilla world, but it’s not my focus.

It’s my belief (A) every individual has the right to decide who knows about their lifestyle choices and no one else can decide for them. It may be the most expedient or convenient solution if this or that person knew about a choice we’ve made… it may even be true that they’ve figured it out already… that doesn’t change what I see as each person’s right to choose how, when, and even if, they acknowledge their lifestyle choice to another person. No one should “out” anyone to somebody else.

It’s my belief (B) we should expect it’s our normal behavior to be who we are and relate how we always relate. For that reason, I’d like to think the “default” behaviors between all my partners and me when we’re together is that we can all act like partners.

Unfortunately, these two beliefs aren’t always able to perfectly coexist. What are some of the ways we handle things when A and B can’t both happen?

1. Ensure complete separation of relationship circles between in-the-know people and in-the-dark people.

This is very much like a leading a “double” life scenario. It seems to be the way many of us handle work. In some cases, it’s just not possible because circles overlapped from the beginning. Even if it can work, there is considerable “administrative overhead” in keeping track of who is in which circle as more partners (and circles) are added.

2. Temporarily change behaviors around in-the-dark people.

People in the dark can be kept in the dark by some of us acting like close friends rather than romantic partners when in overlapping social situations. This seems to be the way many of us handle holidays with family. This may not always work, or may be dangerous, for example, in the case where some of the in-the-dark people gathered know about one couple and some know about the other. The possible of accidental “outing” seems high in that case.

3. Stop being social with in-the-dark people.

There are two ways to think about it: be less social or be more out. I actually like this one best, but I realize it’s not practical in many ways.

Did I miss any approaches?

And now, the tough stuff…

When someone could be “outed” at an event, and therefore some other(s) must become the “close friend(s)”, what’s the etiquette for making that happen? Should the partner in danger of being “outed” be responsible for asking others to temporarily change their behavoir? Or should other partner(s) offer to change behavior without being asked? When this feels like an imposition to anyone, what (if anything) is going wrong or has already gone wrong?

Exercising Your Emotions

Q: How do I express myself without losing control and being a nut job?

A: I think the “emotional workout” analogy best fits.

People have emotional “muscles.” These muscles are as in-shape or as out-of-shape as you’ve developed them. When you are triggered or otherwise experience some intense emotions your emotional muscles get a work out. If you’re not practiced in emotional workouts, your muscles will get tired very quickly.

Of course, when either your real muscles or emotional muscles are worn out, it’s hard to think clearly or act responsibly. It’s easy to lash out in ways you normally wouldn’t. You may not even realize what’s causing it, and that’s a big hurdle for some people to cross–realizing that you may be trying to handle things when you are completely beyond your emotional depth/capabilities.

You have to give yourself time to cooldown (or heal), just like any workout (or injury).

The kind of exercise matters, too… maybe you’re very used to the emotions raised by work or the daily commute or the relationship you’ve been in for years. But, a disagreement in a D/s or poly relationship suddenly exercises a completely different set of emotional muscles.

Once your emotional muscles are a bit more in shape (or practiced with a specific exercise), you’ll realize when you’re experiencing overwhelming emotions and should give yourself time to process those before trying to talk about or address whatever caused them. You take that time and when you’re no longer overwhelmed, you address things then.

Eventually, you might become an emotional ironman/woman who can run feelings marathons before breakfast. You’re still going to experience the emotions and their intensity. You might be a crying mess, but if you’re really “in-shape” you can say stuff like, “Wow, I’m having an intense emotional reaction to this, and I’m crying, and my chest is tight, but I’m OK to keep talking about it now.”

Just like you can’t try to run a marathon once a month as a way to get in shape (at least I don’t think you can, YMMV), you can’t just wait for big emotional explosions to come and think you’re going to get better at handling them. You build up your emotional muscles by going back over how you felt and what you thought while you were experiencing the emotions. You catalog the things that trigger your emotions. You unpack your baggage. You introspect. Maybe you need to get a trainer/help because it’s not something you can do on your own. You begin to recognize warning signs sooner. You imagine what your feelings might be in different situations. You push your own boundaries by yourself, so that when others push them, you know better what it might feel like. You workout.

Now, a few Words on Unicorn Hunters

Now, a few words on looking for things. When you go looking for something specific, your chances of finding it are very bad. Because of all the things in the world, you’re only looking for one of them. When you go looking for anything at all, your chances of finding it are very good. Because of all the things in the world, you’re sure to find some of them. (Zero Effect)

The Unicorn Hunter label applies to people Doing It Wrong, not simply to couples looking for a third to form a triad. Folks just have different ideas about what is wrong. I can subscribe to the concept of Unicorn Hunter and dislike them in general, while forming different opinions about specific couples seeking thirds, many of whom are great people and very smart, experienced polyamorists.

Here are the problems I have with Unicorn Hunters.

1) There are too many Unicorn Hunters whose only apparent contributions are personal ads
1a) …or complaints about how hard it is to find their unicorn.
2) Unicorn Hunter personal ads read like shopping lists
3) Unicorn Hunter ads when taken as a whole and because they greatly outnumber non-U.H. ads, act as misinformation for those who are new to polyamory or other forms of non-monogamy.

There are many, many posts and articles about how Unicorn Hunters fuck it up and ought to do better.  The argument can be made that they fuck it up for the rest of us, too, (req.’s reg.) by driving away women who might otherwise be open to some forms of non-monogamy but for the unwanted attention of unicorn hunters.

I’ve experienced triad energy and it’s amazing.  Apart from discovering masturbation, it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.*  So, of course I want it again!  I can’t be upset with anyone else for wanting it, either.  But the main difference is I also know that I can’t just go out and find it.  If it’s going to happen, it’s going to be simultaneously a very happy accident of cosmic alignment and serendipity, and a logical consequence of living life by doing fun things with interesting people whether or not sex or unicorns are involved.

So, I’d call myself a unicorn hunter, but there really can’t be a singular one of those, can there? I mean, there needs to be two people, and together they are unicorn hunters. Which makes unicorn hunters like pants… also shorts, trousers, scissors, clothes, and pliers.

Actually, I’m hunting the even-rarer-than-the-unicorn lipstick-lesbian-with-neko-girl couple who both want to worship me. I suspect there are more of these kinds of hunters, but since we’re a quieter bunch and don’t complain about how difficult it is to find lipstick-lesbian-and-neko-girl couples who want to worship us, we don’t get labeled as a group. Squeaky wheels and all that, hey?

But, in the end I have to believe that all of it (and this) is just about how misery loves company.  The unicorn hunters aren’t reading these posts–if they were, they’d theoretically be learning from them and approaching things differently.  So, they’re not reading.  And we’re just all preaching to the choir.

* This makes my present partner the third best thing that’s ever happened to me.  A suspicious person might think I said such a thing to see if someone ever reads this.

My First BDSM Blooper

My first BDSM-related blooper happened the first time I tied a girl over a chair. We were in her parent’s house, and I was improvising everything. I started out by blindfolding her and leading her around a bit. Then, I bent her over the chair. It was an old reclining office chair on wheels, but it was the only workable one in sight. I tied her to it with clothesline I found on the back porch. Her legs were spread wide across the back and her forearms rested on the seat.

I left her there and went looking for other implements of destruction. I came back with who-knows-what and a nice candle. I sat down behind her, lit the candle and placed it on the floor between her legs. As the heat from it rose, I gently stroked and tickled the backs of her thighs and talked about how much I was going to enjoy painting her ass with hot wax.

It didn’t take long before she was literally dripping. Clear, thick, wet strands dangled from her pussy. I’d never seen anything like it before. Soon, I noticed the most amazing effect from the candle. The strands were sort of swinging in the breeze from the candle, and when they got too close, they evaporated in a way that made them seem to be climbing back up to her.

Utterly fascinated, I picked up the candle and started chasing her juices higher, watching as they curled upward away from the flame. I chased them up, then let them fall, up and down, up and down.

Then I heard crackling and distinctly smelled burnt hair.

I totally burnt her bush.

I swore, put down the candle, and asked if she was ok.

Rather breathlessly she said yes she was.

Upon closer inspection she was only singed. It didn’t ruin the moment for either of us, but it’s still a reminder for me not to get so lost in what I’m doing that I don’t notice all it’s potential effects.

What was your first BDSM-related blooper?